


Keep Your Head Up

by booksnchocolate



Category: Bandom, Marianas Trench, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Constipation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, LOTS OF CUDDLING OKAY, M/M, Mostly Fluff, and cuddling omg, and man tears cause who doesn't love those, josh is a sassy octopus, mention of self-harm, so much cuddling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-12
Updated: 2013-11-12
Packaged: 2018-01-01 06:31:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1041481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booksnchocolate/pseuds/booksnchocolate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>“Matt, I swear to God, if you don’t open the fucking door in three fucking seconds, I’m calling the cops.” </i> Hurt/comfort.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keep Your Head Up

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** I don’t know any of the people mentioned here. This is written for fun and not profit.
> 
>  **A/N:** I went through two charge cycles on my computer writing this fucking thing. Hella inspired by [ I’m Sorry That I’m Always The One To Let You Down Again ](http://fuckyeahjoshandmatt.tumblr.com/post/66408586903) (which, um, FAB OKAY). Title from Man Overboard’s _Rare_. Feedback (good and bad) is lovely.
> 
>  
> 
> Warnings: Trigger warnings for anxiety/panic attacks, references to past self-harm/drug use, slight suicidal ideation… BUT IT’S FLUFFY I SWEAR 
> 
> Originally posted anonymously on [FYJM](http://fuckyeahjoshandmatt.tumblr.com/post/66720222131).

  
  
  


If asked, Matt would have said he was over Josh’s past. If asked, he would deny any kind of emotional repercussions from those years. Josh had moved on. He’d moved on. Their band was famous now. No harm done.

None of this would explain the churning in his stomach as he sat on the couch in the front lounge of the tour bus, digging his nails into his palm because it was ten minutes past boarding time and Josh wasn’t there yet.

It was fine. Really.

“Text him again,” Ian said, wandering in to pour himself a glass of juice. “He’s probably just talking with the techs.”

“Yeah,” Matt said, fiddling with his phone and not looking up.  _But what else could he be doing?!_ a traitorous inner voice screamed. Matt was abruptly reminded of the reek of heroin, the coppery smell of blood, the stench of bile. His stomach churned. There was a vague haze obscuring his vision, but no sense telling anyone else that. Logically, he was over-reacting.

Try telling that to the impending heart attack.

Six minutes of gut-wrenching agony later, the door was pulled open and footsteps sounded on the stairs. Matt stood up so fast he nearly fell over from the headrush. A familiar blue and blond head poked into view.

“Hey, Josh,” Matt said and he was not freaking out, he was  _not_. He was calm and chill and totally not losing his shit because Josh had been sixteen minutes late getting back to the bus. No. He was fine. Totally fine.

Which didn’t explain why his ears were ringing and why he was suddenly finding it hard to breathe and  _goddamn it_  was this a fucking panic attack? Great, just what he fucking needed and he would be so frustrated but he couldn’t fucking _breathe_  oh god what was happening, this hadn’t happened since high school fuckfuckfuck-

“Matt!” Through the fog clouding his senses, Matt heard his name. But it didn’t matter, he was too far gone to respond; he could feel himself shaking and was vaguely aware that he needed to breathe – the black spots crowding his vision were testament to that – but he couldn’t control it, couldn’t control anything and oh god this was it he was going to die and and and –

And then he wasn’t, because there were arms around him, solid and warm, and someone’s chest against his back, and a voice in his ear, “Easy, Matty, easy. Breathe with me, okay? Breathe, c’mon. Breathe.” And Matt could feel the other person’s chest rising and falling and it became just that much easier to match his own breathing to the rhythm. He squeezed his eyes shut and focused on his breath, on the warm presence at his back, pressing into it like a lifeline. Eons passed and he gradually calmed down, hyperventilation giving way to gasps and shuddering breaths. He felt his muscles go limp as the adrenaline left his body. He slumped against the warmth behind him, exhausted.

After a long moment, the warmth spoke: “Better now?”

Matt’s eyes flew open. Josh. He tried to flail away but in his weakened state, he was no match for Josh’s grip. “Hey, hey, sshhhh, it’s me, it’s okay,” Josh hastened to reassure him, breath ruffling Matt’s hair. Matt relaxed again, slumping forcibly into Josh’s arms. He couldn’t remember a time Josh had ever held him like this, but he was too out of it to care.

“How’re you doing?” Josh asked again, after a moment of silence. His thumb stroked gently across Matt’s knuckles.

Matt took a careful breath before replying. “Fuck,” he said.

Josh’s laugh ruffled his hair. “Yeah, okay.”

Matt reached one hand up to scrub at his face and was surprised to find it wet. Great. He’d been crying. “’M sorry,” he mumbled, turning his face away, though he knew Josh had already seen his tears.

“Matty, no,” Josh protested, “You’ve got nothing to apologize for, okay?” When Matt didn’t reply, he sighed and shifted slightly, leaning to grab something off the side of the bunk. They were in his bunk, Matt realized. And the curtains were drawn. When had that happened? He remembered greeting Josh at the door…

“Here,” Josh said, interrupting his sluggish thoughts. He held up an uncapped water bottle. Matt looked at it but made no move to take it, and Josh sighed softly. “You should drink something, Matty. Come on, I’ll help you.” So saying, he held the water bottle gently up to Matt’s lips. Reluctantly, Matt swallowed; but Josh was right, the cool liquid felt nice against his parched throat.

“Thanks,” he managed as Josh capped the water bottle and set it aside again.

“You don’t have to thank me,” Josh said, and Matt could hear the bitterness in his voice even through the haze of not-quite-reality he was floating in. And he didn’t like it. And he wanted to remind Josh of how awesome he was.

But he didn’t know the words. And he was just. So. Tired.

“Tired,” he mumbled instead, letting his head fall back against Josh’s shoulder and closing his eyes.

“Yeah,” Josh murmured, “okay, bedtime for Matty. Here, take off your shoes.”

“Nn,” Matt grumbled but complied anyway, toeing off his shoes. Josh moved from behind him and helped him get under the covers. Once he was sure Matt was comfortably settled in, he moved to leave but Matt cried out as he pulled away, an instinctive, plaintive noise that had Josh scrambling back into the bunk.

“Stay,” Matt gasped against the pounding of his heart, trying to will back the panic that threatened to resurge. “Please.”

“Okay,” Josh said, already clambering to lie down in the bunk. “Okay, I’m here. You’ve got me.”

“Thks,” Matt slurred, wriggling back against Josh’s warmth.

“Yeah, yeah,” Josh murmured, but his tone was fond. “Sleep, Matty.”

Matt slept.

They didn’t talk about it in the morning. They didn’t talk about how they woke up with their fingers laced together; they didn’t talk about how Josh slept the night through for the first time in weeks. Josh may have pressed a wrist to Matt’s forehead before he clambered out of bed, and Matt may have said Josh’s name in his sleep, but they didn’t talk about it.

In retrospect, they probably should have.

But it was easy to forget. It was easy to forget as they slipped back into old lives and old habits. Easy to forget as Matt convinced himself he didn’t care where Josh went and drank and partied. Easy to forget as Josh watched the tension bleed slowly back into Matt’s shoulders without knowing what he was seeing.

It was easy to forget, easy to ignore; easy for Josh to pretend the worried glances Matt shot him didn’t exist; easy for Matt to nod and smile and lie when people asked him if he was okay. It became easier for Matt to tune himself out, to pretend it was normal to find scarred crescents on his palms from where his nails had dug into his skin when Josh had used the bathroom a bit too close to meal time. Matt stopped questioning his inability to breathe when Josh was late to the bus or when he spent a bit too long in the bathroom. Checking the medicine cabinet became a habit, as did checking the garbage cans, the nooks and crannies around Josh’s bunk when he thought he could get away with it. Staring endlessly at Josh in his clothes, trying to ascertain if those pants had fit him that way last week, and was that shirt always that loose? And always, always the foreboding feeling in the pit of his stomach, the sick drop of  _what if, what if_ , the lightheadedness that always took him, always checking, checking, checking.  

It was normal, until it wasn’t, and suddenly Matt found himself on the bathroom floor, clutching his hair and rocking back and forth, and trying to choke back the screams threatening to tear their way from his throat because  _he thought he was over this, damn it_  but clearly  _not_  and as hard as he could try to justify it, there was nothing romantic about searching through Josh’s garbage for bloody tissues and –

Someone banged on the door.

“Matt! You in there?”          

It was Josh. Fuck. Fucking fuckity  _fuck_. Matt let his head thunk back against the tiled wall. Not now, please not now. He couldn’t do this.

“Matt!”

“No,” Matt croaked, painfully aware of how wrecked his voice sounded. It was over. He couldn’t do this. He closed his eyes.

There was a brief pause, and then, “Matt, are you okay?” There was no mistaking the worry in Josh’s voice, and a small part of him felt gratified. The rest of him just felt ashamed. “I need you to open the door.”

Matt swallowed against the lump in his throat and didn’t respond.

“Matt, I swear to God, if you don’t open the fucking door in three fucking seconds, I’m calling the cops.” A beat. “Matt!”

Matt bit his fist around a sob. There was no point in resisting. Josh was as good as his threats, he knew. Trembling, Matt crawled on hands and knees to the door and reached up to click the lock. Then he sat back and buried his face in his arms and waited for the worst to come.

Josh burst into the room like a whirlwind, eyes wide in his pale face. “Oh my God, Matty,” he said, dropping to his knees in front of Matt. The look on his face scared Matt to pieces, and he lost it, tears sliding down his face, hot and wet against his skin.

“I’m sorry,” he gasped, and broke down.

But Josh was barely listening, already grabbing his wrists and pushing back his sleeves, feeling the skin there. “Matt, are you okay, did you do anything? Matty!” he snapped when Matt didn’t respond, “I need you to talk to me.”

“N-no,” Matt gasped through his tears. “Nothing.”

“Look at me, look at me. Did you take anything?” Josh cupped his face in both hands and stared at him wildly.

“No,” Matt moaned, knowing he sounded awful but too far gone to care. “I-I didn’t, I just- _Josh_.”

“Okay, okay,” Josh said, and finally,  _finally_  scooped Matt into his arms, cradling him against his body. “God, Matty, you scared me so much. Don’t ever fucking do that again. Ever. Oh, God. You’re okay, you’re okay. Shhh.”

Matt didn’t know how long they sat there, how long it took for his sobs to subside into hiccups and sniffles against Josh’s shirt. He lost track of time to the rhythm of Josh’s breathing, easy and deep. At last, he sniffed and pulled back.

“I. Fuck,” he swiped a hand across his eyes.

“Are you okay?” Josh asked again, still holding onto his hand like he was afraid Matt would bolt any second. Matt wanted to tell him that was a joke and a half; he couldn’t even feel his legs.

“Yeah,” Matt said, rote response rolling off his tongue before he could think. His head felt like it was stuffed with cotton. The rest of him just felt empty.

“Let’s try that again,” Josh said, voice deceptively calm. “I find you locking yourself in the bathroom, having a mental breakdown. Is there something we need to talk about?”

“No,” Matt said, voice thick with exhaustion. He was abruptly tired of this. He was tired of everything. He made to move away but Josh’s hand on his arm stopped him.

“Please let me go.”

“Wh- no. Not until you fucking talk to me.”

Matt shrugged out of Josh’s hold. “There’s nothing to talk about. I promise.”

Josh bit his lip, looking at Matt like he’d been slapped. “You’ve never lied to me, Matty. Don’t start now.”

The hurt in Josh’s eyes might have made Matt feel guilty, but in the moment, he couldn’t feel anything. “I’m not lying, Josh.”

He pushed himself off the wall and staggered to his feet, clutching at the sink for balance. His legs were shaky and unsteady, but he had to get out of here. His hand was on the doorknob when Josh spoke again from his position on the floor.

“What – is this some kind of fucked up revenge for high school?”

Matt froze. “That’s the last thing it is,” he said, turning to meet Josh’s eyes.

“Then  _what is it_?” Josh burst out.

“Nothing,” Matt said tonelessly, and opened the door and walked out.

Josh didn’t chase him, and he couldn’t decide for the life of him if he was glad or not.

Matt didn’t sleep at all that night. Neither did Josh, if the yellow light leaking out from under his curtain at four a.m. was anything to go by.

Matt was making himself coffee in the kitchen the next day when he heard it. Josh’s voice, purposefully hushed, coming from the back of the bus. He grabbed his mug and stepped silently up to the hanging that separated the two compartments.

“- he should talk to someone?”

That was Mike’s voice.

“I tried.” Josh. “He didn’t fucking… God.”

Mike sighed heavily. “Alright, but promise me something.”

“What?”

“Promise that if you – if he makes you feel triggered or unsafe or anything like that, you get the fuck outta there, and you talk to me or your sister or a doctor – someone, anyone who can help  _you_ , okay?”

Josh was silent a moment, but Matt knew he was looking down and fiddling with his bracelets like he did during conversations he didn’t want to be having.

“He won’t –“

“Josh. Promise me.”

Josh sighed. “Fine. I promise.”

“Now pinky swear.”

Matt could hear Josh’s incredulous laugh through the curtain and felt his own lips turn up in the minutest of smiles.

“I mean it,” Mike continued, “You’ve been through all that shit before. You don’t have to go through it again.”

“Yeah,” Josh agreed, and there was something softer in his tone, something calmer. “Thanks, Mike.”

“No problem,” Mike said. “Now go-“

Matt didn’t stay to hear the rest of the sentence. He turned, still clutching his coffee, and crossed the kitchen in long strides, shouldering his way past a bewildered Ian and out of the bus. Mike’s words echoed in his head, swirling through the fog of sleep deprivation.  _If he makes you feel triggered or unsafe… if he triggers you… if he makes you feel unsafe_ … Matt didn’t know where he was going; he just knew he had to keep moving, far and fast, had to just remove himself, get out of this situation just to a place where he could  _breathe_.

He lost track of how long he walked, but he ended up at a bridge overlooking the bay. He was still holding the coffee cup, though the coffee itself was stale and cold by now. He got to the middle of the bridge and just stopped for a moment, taking in the view. Around him, couples were posing for pictures in the late afternoon sunlight, but Matt wanted no part in their happiness. He felt like the worst fucking scum on the planet.  _If he makes you feel unsafe…_  God, how could he do that to Josh, when he knew first-fucking-hand how hard those years had been? Matt took a deep breath and gripped the safety rail, the cold iron digging hard into his palms. He looked down, staring at the drop into dark water, and for a moment, he thought about it. He felt so numb; it would almost be easy. It would solve so much. And just fuck it, wouldn’t Josh be better off if he jumped anyway?

His phone buzzed in his back pocket, startling him out of his thoughts. He flicked to the newest text automatically: it was from Ian, telling him to get back to the bus.

Matt shoved the phone back into his pocket and sighed heavily. He looked out once more over the water… and then turned his back on it and started back to the bus.

The sun was setting by the time he got back, long, slanting beams dripping in through the windows and painting the front lounge in swathes of purple and gold. Matt half-expected an ambush when he entered the bus, but the compartment was empty. That was fine with him. He started for his bunk when there was a thumping from the back lounge and Josh stumbled into view.

“Wha- hey,” Josh greeted him, eyes going wide. “Matt.”

“That’s my name,” Matt said, edging by and avoiding Josh’s eyes.

He could almost hear Josh gritting his teeth. “Excuse you, I’m the only one who gets to be sassy on this ship.”

There was supposed to be a comeback for that, Matt thought distantly. He was pretty sure he was supposed to laugh or something. But he couldn’t summon up the energy to care.

“Hey, no,” Josh said, grabbing his arm as Matt tried to slip by. “You owe me a conversation, buddy.”

Matt opened his mouth to protest, to shrug it off – but he was just tired. Tired of worrying. Tired of not sleeping. Tired of being tired. “Okay,” he said.

“Okay,” Josh echoed, looking slightly dumbfounded at Matt’s easy acquiescence.

There was a moment of silence where Josh stared at Matt and Matt stared at the floor. At last, Josh said, “So you’ve been kind of a basket case lately.”

Matt’s head snapped up at that. “Me. I’ve been a basket case.”

“Ye-ah,” Josh said, the word dragging across his lips. When Matt didn’t respond, he pressed on. “Dude, I found you crying in the bathroom. You had a panic attack because I  _got on the bus_. Please tell me how this is normal for you.”

“I’m fine,” Matt insisted, “You’re the one who-”

“Whoa, wait wait wait,” Josh held up a hand to silence him. “You’re saying that _I’m_  the one who’s been acting weird this whole time?”

“Yes!” Mat burst out. “No! I – I don’t know, I just – I just-” Matt broke off; his breathing was picking up and he felt lightheaded. God, this was pathetic. He was pathetic.

“No, no, hey, you’re not pathetic,” Josh was saying, keeping a steadying grip on Matt’s bicep, and Matt realized he must have said that out loud. “Matt, c’mon, talk to me.”

Matt gave in and sank down onto the bunk. Josh followed him, sitting close enough for their shoulders to brush. Matt would never admit it, but in that moment, he was grateful for the contact keeping him grounded.

Josh looked at him sideways through his fringe. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

Matt kept his gaze fixated on the floor just in front of his shoes. “I – I don’t know. I just. These thoughts, you know, they’re stupid, but… I just keep thinking…” He trailed off, unsure how to continue.

Beside him, Josh was silent.

Matt licked his lips and spoke again. “Thinking about high school and – and the shit you – we went through, and. You know I worry. About you.”

Josh made a noise halfway between a growl and a sigh. “I know. But don’t you think –”

“That I’m taking it a bit too far?” Matt laughed, a strangled, painful sound. “You don’t know the fucking half of it.” He scrubbed at his face with his hands. “I don’t even want to tell you. Checking for pills, blades. Bloody Kleenex. The bathroom at meal times. God. I’m going fucking crazy!” Matt’s voice had gotten quieter and quieter as he spoke but now he burst out violently and pounded the mattress beside him, making Josh flinch.

“Matty, that’s – I had no idea.”

Matt squeezed his eyes shut against the tears that threatened to fall. “Am I triggering you, Josh?” he asked through numb lips.

Josh didn’t respond for a moment; then, Matt felt a careful hand on his shoulder. “Hey, look at me,” Josh said.

“Matty,” he coaxed gently when Matt didn’t turn, “over here.”

And this, this was what Matt lived for; Josh in these quiet moments, dropping the douchebag act and looking at Matt like he was the only thing in the world. Under layers of numbness and a cloud of sleep-deprivation, Matt felt his heart flutter.

“I know you’re worried,” Josh said, hand still on Matt’s shoulder. Matt could feel Josh’s heat searing through his shirt. “But you really don’t have to be. And I know that won’t stop you from worrying,” he said before Matt could protest, “but I think you need to hear it anyway.”

Matt didn’t know what to say to that, so he didn’t say anything.  

Josh spread his hands. “What do you want from me?”

“You.” The word was out before Matt could stop it. He stared helplessly at Josh. “I just. Want you.”  _Safe. With me._  He didn’t add the words, but his tone said it all anyway.

Josh blinked at him once, twice. Matt wished he could disappear. Maybe he should’ve thrown himself into the water.

Then Josh spoke. “Well, why didn’t you just say so?” 

“I – what?” Matt must be hallucinating. He was too sleep-deprived for this.

“You could have just asked,” Josh said, full lips turning up at the corners.

Matt was still floundering to try and make sense of the situation. “I…”

“Shh,” Josh whispered, placing a long finger against Matt’s lips. “I’m going to kiss you now.”

 _Okay_ , Matt wanted to say, but his lips were currently being used for other purposes; Josh was kissing him. It was soft and gentle, a chaste brush of lips, and Matt was a teenager again, crosslegged on his bunkbed and making out with his first girlfriend. But then he parted his lips and Josh licked into his mouth and wow, he was certainly not fourteen anymore.

The world shrunk down to its basic elements; there was nothing but the heat, the fire Josh was pressing into his mouth; nothing but the warmth of Josh’s hands on his arms, skating up his back, cradling his face. Matt could feel Josh like a ray of sunlight, burning through the fog that had surrounded him for weeks. He closed his eyes and gave himself over to the kiss, and there was nothing else but Josh; he existed only where Josh was touching him, only where their lips were joined and where he could feel Josh’s tongue piercing sliding against his tongue. Matt clutched at Josh and leaned into the kiss, running his tongue lightly over the roof of Josh’s mouth, tasting the acrid sweetness of Josh’s stupid Coke Zero lingering on his tongue.

At last, they pulled back for air. Josh’s lips were red and swollen, and Matt could feel the rush of blood to his skin where Josh had touched him. He felt alive like he hadn’t in weeks.

“Okay,” Josh gave a little high-pitched laugh, “that was okay, right?”

In answer, Matt leaned forward and angled his head to catch Josh’s lips in another kiss, licking quickly into his mouth and pulling back. “Yeah, yeah, that was alright.”

Josh was smiling at him, and Matt felt like a huge burden had been lifted from his shoulders. He felt so light he could float away.

Josh reached a thumb out to trace Matt’s smile. “There you are. There’s Matty.”

Matt could feel himself blushing. “Stop it.” But he didn’t move away.

Josh grinned and flicked his hair out of his eyes. “Make me.”

Matt opened his mouth to retort but was interrupted by a huge yawn. The exhaustion was taking its toll. “Um.”

Josh rolled his eyes. “Wow, blue balls much?” But his tone was fond and his fingers were gentle as he brushed Matt’s hair away from his forehead.

Matt kicked off his shoes and shuffled under the covers, holding one corner up. He looked at Josh expectantly.

“Seriously, it’s five-fucking-thirty,” Josh grumbled, but he kicked his shoes off and clambered in anyway. Arranging two adult men in a bunk meant for one was never an easy task, but at last they managed it. Josh ended up sandwiched between Matt and the wall, sprawled half-over Matt like an exceptionally sassy octopus – but Matt wouldn’t have it any other way. He relaxed back into Josh’s arms and for once, it felt good, real.

“Thank you,” he whispered as he closed his eyes.

Josh snaked an arm around him and laced their fingers together. “Always, Matty. Always.”


End file.
